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 In which we are suddenly thrust into a cliché high school movie! And I receive help from two badass women!

missabnormal: Hello everyone! Remember how I said that I needed some guest sporkers to help me out? Well, here they are!

(The doors to the theatre open. A woman with curly hair and a boiler suit enters the theatre, a polite smile on her face. A Japanese woman with short hair also enters. They are Ellen Ripley and Mako Mori.)


 

missabnormal: It took a lot of persuasion to get them to help me out with this. But hey, after a while, I managed to get their permission! *turns to Ripley and Mako, barely concealing her excitement* Um... it's nice to meet you, Ms. Ripley, Ms. Mori. My name's missabnormal, but just call me missy.

Mako: *gives a polite smile* It's nice to meet you, missy.

Ripley: *sits down* So, what are we doing?

missabnormal: We're sporking bad literature. Our current work-in-progress is called 'Halo' by Alexandra Adornetto, and it's a love story between an angel and a human.

Mako: *sighs as she sits down* Well, so long as it has nothing to do with the kaiju, I'll be fine. Let's get started.

missabnormal: Yep! So, we open up to Chapter Three with a description of Bryce Hamilton School!

The Bryce Hamilton School was located on the outskirts of town, set on the high peak of an undulating slope. No matter where you were in the building, you looked out to see a view: either vineyards and verdant hills with the odd grazing cow, or the rugged cliffs of the Shipwreck Coast, so named for the many vessels that had sunk in its treacherous waters over the last century. The school, a limestone mansion complete with arched windows, sweeping lawns, and a bell tower, was one of the town's original buildings. It had once served as a convent before it was converted to a school in the sixties.

missabnormal: 
And we already start off with a geographical fail. Really, Adornetto? The Shipwreck Coast? That's located in Australia, near Victoria! Yeah, there is one in America as well, but that's in Michigan, not Georgia. Seriously, a little research never hurt anyone! How the hell did the editor not notice this?!

Ripley: So wait, is this going to be a common occurrence?

missabnormal: Yeah. Our author is Australian, so she has a habit of sprinkling in some Australian terms, phrases, and the like in this book.

Mako: Well, I guess it's a good thing that I spent enough time with Chuck Hansen. He used a lot of Australian slang in our spare time during training.

missabnormal: According to Bethany, the school had a reputation for moving ahead with the times, and was "favored by progressive parents who wanted to avoid subjecting their children to any kind of repression". Yeah, don't think that I didn't miss that there, Adornetto! I know exactly what you're talking about!

Okay, I'm passing it onto you, Ms. Ripley.

Ripley: Okay then. *opens up her copy* So now, this Bethany girl is standing outside the school gates with her siblings Ivy and Gabriel, and she's feeling nervous about it. She claims that butterflies are "doing callisthenics in her stomach". It's spelled 'calisthenics' here in America, Adornetto. Bethany then states that as an angel, she had "listened in on the prayers of teenage girls and most of them centered on being accepted by the "popular" crowd and finding a boyfriend who played on the rugby team".

*angered* So what, you ignore the prayers of teenage girls who wish for their parents to stop abusing them, who hope to be able to afford a decent education, who pray for their mothers to come back because they don't know what the hell happened to their mother when she went into space?! Amanda probably prayed like hell for a miracle to bring me back to Earth, you know! For fifty-seven years! And she never even lived to see me come back!

(Mako gently rubs Ripley's shoulder in consolation)

missabnormal: I agree, Ms. Ripley. Why is Bethany focusing only on the shallow prayers? And on a side note, rugby is Australian, Adornetto. If you did research, you should know that it's called 'football' here. And college football is BIG in the South! You cannot get it confused like that!

Mako: I'll take over now. *opens her own copy* Bethany starts to describe various cliques in this school, who are all dressed in uniform like her. And it all sounds a little bit, er... strange, I guess? I wouldn't know, since I spent majority of my life in the Jaeger Academy, and even in Japan, there's nothing like this.

missabnormal: It's all out of a high school movie, Ms. Mori. Think Mean Girls, 'cause this is what it sounds like. Nothing like this exists in real high schools, American or Canadian.

The music posse was made up of boys with shoulder-length hair, untidy strands falling over their eyes. They carried instrument cases and had musical chords scrawled on their arms in black felt pen.

Ripley: Where are the girls? And why would they draw on their arms if they can get tattoos?

Mako: I've never heard of musicians drawing chords on their arms. (She reads ahead to the next clique)

There was a small minority of goths who had set themselves apart by the use of heavy eye makeup and spiky hairdos, and I wondered how they got away with it. Surely it must contravene school regulations. 

missabnormal: That sounds more like the punk scene, or even cybergoth.

Those who liked to think of themselves as artistic had accessorized the uniform with berets or hats and colorful scarves.

Mako: *purses her lips* That sounds a little bit arrogant, doesn't it? "Those who liked to think of themselves as artistic"? That basically implies that they're not really artistic, or that they're not true artists.

Ripley: Also, why berets? Isn't that a French stereotype?

missabnormal: Seems like Adornetto combined the two. She must believe that all artists wear berets and the like. I know several art students who don't dress like that. And I have a friend from France, and she doesn't even wear a beret! At this point, it's becoming a really lame high school movie.

Some girls traveled in packs, like a group of platinum blondes who crossed the road with their arms linked.

Ripley: "Traveled in packs"? *snorts dryly* They're people, not wolves. And great, I already see the hatred for blondes coming.

missabnormal: Ah, it's too common in these kinds of stories, Ms. Ripley. Because everyone knows that blondes are EEEEVIL boyfriend-stealers who don't deserve to go to heaven! *looks sickened* I feel sick just saying that.

The academic types were easily identified; they wore pristine uniforms with no alterations and carried the official school backpack. They tended to walk with a missionary zeal, heads down, eager to reach the sanctity of the library. 

Ripley: You serious? No one even picks on the nerds these days, it's more like people are intimidated by them.

Mako: And not all academic students are quiet and timid like that. I was quite the studious one in the Jaeger Academy, but I was also a fighter.

missabnormal: True that.

A group of boys in untucked shirts, loose ties, and sneakers loitered under the shade of some palms, taking swigs from soda cans and chocolate milk cartons. They were in no hurry to move inside the school gates, instead taking turns at punching and leaping on one another. They tumbled to the ground laughing and groaning at the same time. I watched one boy throw an empty can at his friend’s head. It bounced off and rattled on the sidewalk. The boy looked stunned for a moment before bursting into laughter.

missabnormal: I've seen boys doing stupider things than that, honestly. And not all of them were the jocks, actually.

Ripley: Just like my time with the Marines. Like when Bishop did the knife thing with Hudson, even though he could've easily gotten his fingers stabbed.


Mako: *reads on* So, after Bethany receives her class schedule from Ivy, she and Gabriel make their way into the school, and for some reason, everyone is staring at them as they enter the school grounds. I'm pretty sure those students have better things to do than to stare at every new student they receive, right? Is this common in these sort of books?

missabnormal: Not just books, Ms. Mori. It's common in every bad high school movie as well. Anways! Bethany and Gabriel meet the secretary of the school, who laments over how a basketball game will have to be cancelled because of the forecast predicting rain, so what does Gabriel do? He changes the weather so that the game can happen!

Ripley: And like that's not going to have an effect on weather patterns around the world? You'd think that these angels would use their powers sparingly, right? We also get a description of the school building, which sounds more like a college campus than a high school!

In the main wing the corridors were carpeted in a dark burgundy and oak doors with glass panels led to antiquated-looking classrooms. The ceilings were high and some of the old ornate light fixtures still remained. They were a stark contrast to the graffiti-covered lockers lining the corridor and the slightly nauseating smell of deodorant coupled with cleaning agents and the greasy odor of hamburgers coming from the cafeteria. Mrs. Jordan took us on a whirlwind tour, pointing out the main facilities (the quadrangle, multimedia department, science block, assembly hall, gymnasium, and tracks, playing fields, and the performing arts center). She was obviously pressed for time, because after showing me my locker, she blurted some vague directions to the nurse’s office, told me not to hesitate should I have any questions, and took Gabriel by the elbow and whisked him away. He looked back at me apprehensively.

missabnormal: Well damn, Adornetto! Is this the kind of high school that you went to? Because this is definitely more like a college campus! Also, no one even graffitis lockers anymore, they have to pay if they do so.

Once Gabriel is led away by the secretary, Bethany takes a look at her schedule, and she cannot decipher what her first class is. And what is her first reaction? To panic and want to go back home. Again, I'd like to ask God, why should I put my trust in this angel? If this is what Heaven has to offer, then I really don't know if I can trust them.

Mako: Bethany then gets the attention of a girl with "titian curls". Wouldn't it be easier to say 'auburn hair'? But anyways, Bethany asks the girl for help in finding her first class, which turns out to be chemistry, which this girl also has. The girl also asks whether Bethany had spares in her previous school, which Bethany doesn't really understand. She says no, and we finally learn that this girl's name is Molly. And I must say, her description sounds quite... interesting.


The girl was beautiful with glowing skin, rounded features, and bright eyes. Her rosiness reminded me of a girl in a painting I’d seen, a shepherdess in a bucolic setting.

Mako: 
Are you sure that Bethany isn't feeling any sort of attraction towards her?

missabnormal: All this is unintentional, honestly. But still, it's fun to see them describe just how attractive other girls are, even more so than the love interest.

Ripley: I'd want to read a story about Bethany and Molly, honestly. It'd probably be far more interesting than this. So anyways, both Bethany and Molly turn up at Mr. Velt's chemistry class late, and Mr. Velt isn't too pleased at this. God, how much longer is this chapter going to be? This is so boring!

missabnormal: How about we stop here for now? Looks like we'll have to split this into two parts. So, you two can take a break. Thanks for doing this with me!

Mako: You're very welcome.

missabnormal: So, now that this chapter is going to be split up, I look forward to seeing you in the next part of this chapter!

Continue to: Chapter 3- Venus Cove (Part Two)

Go back to: Chapter 2- Flesh

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